Despite the talk about the "stages of grief," there's no real guide to mourning. Each person reacts to loss in their own way. Still, there is one universal component of grief: Almost every loss, no matter how expected, will be accompanied by stress and disorientation. In the words of a report from the National Mental Health Association, "The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event."
This loss may be especially stressful if family members have to decide how a loved one dies. A study conducted by Oregon Health Sciences University researchers found that families who had to make end-of-life decisions for dying patients faced immense stress after the patient died. In fact, the stress level was about twice as high as that reported by families who lost their houses in a fire.
"When we experience a loss, a very ancient reaction is triggered in our brain: the fight or flight response," writes professor Elizabeth Harper Neeld in Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World. "When the bonds we have with others are disturbed, at some deep level, we fear for our very survival...Our brain has stimulated us to take action, but since we cannot undo the loss, there is no action we can take. We are, therefore, held taut. This means that our bodies are under enormous stress."
While most people gradually recover from profound grief, others become physically and emotionally overwhelmed. If depression and anxiety take root, health can take a dramatic -- perhaps even fatal -- downturn. We've all heard about lonely widows or widowers who die very soon after losing a spouse.
Psychologists call the persistent, destructive grief that can follow an especially painful loss "complicated grief." Yale psychologist Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., has estimated that 15 percent of people who have lost a loved one reach this emotional low point. Complicated grief goes beyond normal anxiety and mourning. People in this state may feel like their lives have lost meaning and question their most profound personal beliefs.
When they most need support, they may feel distant or furiously hostile toward certain people. Besides suffering from symptoms of depression, they may accuse themselves bitterly, go to extreme lengths to avoid rooms or streets that remind them of the deceased and be tormented daily by an agonized yearning for the one they've lost.
No easy death
There's no such thing as an "easy" death, but some losses are especially difficult for those left behind. Perhaps nothing is more devastating than the loss of a child. Researchers at the Columbia University School of Nursing and two other schools recently surveyed 74 parents who had lost children. Even though nearly 20 years had passed since the deaths, more than 60 percent of parents were still actively grieving.
Mothers may be particularly sensitive to the death of a child. As reported in the Harvard Mental Health Letter, a large Danish study found that women who had lost a child were nearly twice as likely as other women to be hospitalized for severe depression.
The sudden loss of a spouse can unleash a similar sort of trauma. As noted by the National Mental Health Association, surviving husbands or wives lose more than a beloved partner -- they lose a way of life. The upheaval may also destroy their social life or even their finances. At a basic level, it can be difficult to accept that the loved one is really gone.
The Canadian Psychological Association reports that half of all surviving husbands and wives still sense their partner's presence and hear their voice one year after the loss.
Grieving is a deeply personal process. Many people find they're less likely to be overwhelmed if they don't hide their feelings. Sharing your grief or simply spending time with caring friends or family members may help you through the unreality of the first days. Talking to a therapist or a grief counselor may also help ease your stress and relieve your burden.
Grieving as illness
Grieving is also a form of illness, according to many studies. In some cases, it may be as debilitating as a protracted bout of pneumonia. Many sufferers feel numb, exhausted, disorganized, and confused during the grieving process as if they were sleepwalking. If this sounds familiar, don't feel guilty about cutting yourself some slack. If possible, postpone other life-changing decisions until the grief has settled.
Don't be reluctant to seek the help of a doctor or counselor if you are having trouble coping. In many cases, medical treatment can help you get through this. If you become clinically depressed, a doctor may feel that antidepressants are necessary as well.
Because you are suffering, make a special effort to care for yourself. Try to eat well, get adequate sleep, and avoid turning to alcohol or drugs for relief. Stay in close contact with your doctor, and watch out for physical signs of stress and depression, such as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, listlessness, confusion, and stomach trouble. If these warning signs linger, you may need professional help to cope with your grief. A counselor or hosted support group can help sort through your feelings and put your life back on track.
No matter your grief's path, your loved one will never be far from your mind. And that's the way it should be. An issue of Perspectives in Psychiatric Care describes it well: "The goal of grief is not to forget about the loss; rather, the goal is to remember the [person], understand the changes created by the loss, and determine how to reinvest in life."
Source: HealthDay: www.healthday.com
