You may wonder what to do or say when you learn a colleague has just experienced a death in her family. What is the correct etiquette in the workplace? What can you do to ease the pain and transition for your fellow worker?
You might send a card or say something to express sympathy. Try to avoid platitudes. It will be better received if you sincerely express your concern or, better yet, if you share a memory about the person. That is more meaningful than a quickly dropped cliché.
Whenever you have a conversation with your grieving colleague, remember to look at the person you are talking to rather than at your hands or looking away. Survivors often feel as though they are invisible to others.
Be aware of your tone. In later conversations, you do not have to be continually solemn. Some humor, particularly in difficult times, is welcome. However, telling jokes, laughing raucously and being excessively chipper can be ill-received.
Talking about the grief
It is common for people to feel uncomfortable in this situation and therefore be tempted to avoid any awkwardness. This can mean that the lost one is never mentioned when the survivor only wants to talk about that person. It is helpful to let people speak. This is not to say that you suddenly become a grief counselor or that work ceases. For many people, continuing to work helps them get through the most trying times.
Try not to bow to the temptation to switch the subject quickly when the survivor talks about how badly they feel. No matter how uncomfortable you may be with pain or sadness, it is not nearly as difficult as it is for the person going through the loss. They will feel sorrow and likely have extreme emotional swings for several months as they go through the grief cycle.
Although there are often situations in life from which you learn great lessons, avoid asking the survivor what lessons they are learning from this, what messages the universe is giving them, or what positive things they are getting from going through the grieving process.
Nothing you can say will eliminate the other person's grief. All you can do is help soften it for a little while. Whether the loved one was ill for a long time or died unexpectedly, there is no ideal way for anyone to prepare for this event. In the case of sudden death, a well-meaning comment such as, "Well, at least he didn't suffer like my mother who had cancer," can trivialize the death. Just tell your coworker that you are sorry.
Touching base later
Immediately after death, the survivor receives significant attention and support. But after a time, maybe a couple of weeks or months afterward, other people move on with their lives. One of the worst things colleagues do is forget that the person has experienced such a significant loss.
It is essential to be supportive for several months after death. The loss is still fresh for the survivor. Continue to take the person to lunch, ask how they are doing and offer support. This is also an excellent time to share a memory or to write a note. Notes and kind words, even months later, are highly appreciated. Saying something about the lost one is painful, but going through the pain is part of the process.
Don't be surprised by changes in behavior and sometimes in work performance. The culture in the United States does not support mourning as some other cultures do. People are expected to take three days off for bereavement and then come back to work and perform at maximum potential right away. But grief comes and goes in waves. There are better days and worse days for the person. This is the time to be understanding and lenient.
If you supervise this person, ask them about their needs.
Is it a lighter schedule for a while?
Or a heavier one to be a distraction?
Will they need some flexibility for time off to get through the bad days, or maybe go home early?
Be understanding and allow the person room to breathe. A referral to an employee assistance program may be warranted if performance suffers too much.
Ultimately, only time will make the difference. Meanwhile, supportive, understanding colleagues and managers will help the process.
Source: HealthDay: www.healthday.com
